Eclectic & imperfect awesomeness

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Wild Woman

“Wild Woman teaches women when not to act “nice” about protecting their soulful lives.” Clarissa Pinkola Estés

// I wrote this late February \\

An amazing photographer, Natalie Gildersleeve, shared this quote on Instagram on Sunday. It felt like such perfect timing for me to see it. I had posted a quote about how liberating it can be to let go of expectations from outside of yourself, Saturday night. I had a comment from someone who it seemed to rub the wrong way. Someone who has done really well in the way of what society typically sees as success. It was a passive aggressive comment. I almost didn’t respond for this person to clarify, but I don’t buy the necessity to avoid these uncomfortable situations for peace, or that it’s unkind to stand up for yourself. It’s all about delivery. Even if you have to privately unload your knee jerk emotions about it first.

I know I’m far from alone in feeling I was shamed into being as small as possible. If I was upset, I was shamed for being too sensitive. If I’m proud or excited about something, I’m greeted with more shame & “must be nice” reactions, or weird discomfort, as if I don’t struggle deeply, too. If I stand up for myself or my truths, I’m being negative or emotional. No.

I don’t believe there’s some destination in growth. It will sway & shift directions. Right now I’m done though. I don’t want to be small. I can’t care how people will misperceive me or my family. I understand it’s not usually about me/you (whoever is being shamed), but about their own struggles. ESPECIALLY, if your light is shining light on their shadows. Our family has gone through job loss, foreclosure, welfare, extremely tough marriage issues, beans & rice for meals, death in the home, making things work-ish when lacking security, serious health issues, very dark moments during this past year (also life changing mindsets for growth)…the list continues, but my point is that my photography doesn’t tell you my/our struggles. It shares my getting through them. I’m not a victim. This is just our/my journey. We had plenty of people not understand our unconventional ways. We kept pushing though. I’m happy how far we’ve come & we deserve to be happy when we are!

My hope is we’ve taught our children that we can be ok no matter how insane things may seem or be. That we can block out all that outside noise that goes against our gift of intuition telling us differently. I want them to see how nobody can tell them what their journey is supposed to look like. Not even their parents. We, globally, don’t come into this world with the same journey. We may have the same needs, like love, nutrition, loved ones, good health, kindness, grace, safety, but our ways of getting them, or not getting them, aren’t going to be the same. Those needs aren’t the things I’m really talking about. Our ideas of fulfilled lives won’t be the same. We don’t need to feel shame for our journey or our truths because someone else hasn’t or is struggling to do the same with letting go of needing to do what other people think they should. We definitely don’t need to feel shame because folks don’t understand or disagree. It’s none of their business, and it’s none of our’s what thoughts they own. Honestly, more commonly those thoughts stem from conscious and subconscious envy. Maybe they wanted to do something different in life, but they went with checking a box of conformity to please others. Orrrr, their way has to be right, or else they wasted a lot of stressful energy & life. Even that is conditioning. Maybe all that you’ve done was meant to be your meaningful path, but it’s not another’s. We don’t all feel fulfilled by the same things. Our interests & passions are very different. We see life through very different perspectives. We have very different experiences & challenges. I choose to respectfully rebel the life other’s may find to be the successful way. Success is extremely subjective, right? Right.

I’m not insinuating it’s easy. I won’t pretend fears don’t brew for me, but I know there’s a million ways to live a fulfilled life. I celebrate anyone that has gone through dark times & can have moments of freedom from the conditionings of society. I especially celebrate your being proud of yourself!

Magic & Truth

My daughter told her godmother that she wanted horse lessons. The next day these horses were in our pasture. Their person found them & ended up offering up teaching Tallulah the ins & outs of horses. It felt like one of those wow moments. You can look at it many ways, but the feeling of this deep connection to the universe as a whole really moved me. We have a lot of experiences like this, but it never will cease to feel just as, or more, beautiful as the last.

The truth is that with even having consistent moments like this, we have equally tough struggles. I feel like it’s cycles that need serious interruptions. I’m trying, but it’s embarrassing to admit that my nervous system struggles to deal. I have tools, but it’s a challenge to consistently practice. My foundation as a parent was quicksand. Sometimes I’m solid now, but sometimes I fall. It’s all OK.

Unfolding Wings

“Jump, and you will find out how to unfold your wings as you fall.” Ray Bradbury

We had a beautiful day celebrating a friend of the kids’ birthday yesterday. I left ready for more mountain time. I see a camp trip coming soon.

Days Like Yesterday

I felt a much needed shift. Even if it was just a moment to catch our breath, I’m grateful.

Give Me Truth

“I’m going to paraphrase Thoreau here… rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness… give me truth” Christopher McCandless

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I watched “Into the Wild” with two of my youngins last night. It was split into two nights. I never read the book, but was moved by the movie when it came out years ago. I busted into tears many times the past two nights. I can’t fully explain it, but it felt like being seen, or a reminder of not being alone in my way of seeing/feeling things. The timing couldn’t have been more perfect either. Shew. I added two of the same-ish photos. I preferred the first, but I liked that you saw my emotion better with the eye in it. Also, the scar above my eye from days I can’t believe I came out alive.

Open

“When both sides of a controversy revel in the defeat and humiliation of the other side, in fact they are on the same side: the side of war.” Charles Eisenstein, The More Beautiful World Our Hearts Know Is Possible

I’ve become more comfortable with people misunderstanding me. Even friends that claim enlightenment have taken my words completely out of context based on their personal insecurities or biases. I know I’ve done the same thing at times, but this takes me back to my first line because I understand I’m not fully immune to that either. I’m up for discussions, though. It’s just hard to find people aware of their biases (usually perspective based). As long as you can be aware, you can take that deep breath & listen with an open heart. This doesn’t apply to all situations, but with friends or people who aren’t a physical danger to you. I’m not all Pollyanna (although that’s beautiful), but all the shaming, censorship, forcing opinions as facts, etc., does not create positive change. It creates more of what you are fighting against. This does NOT include protesting or speaking up when things are messed up. This can definitely create change. This post is somewhat vague, but it applies to so much (not everything). We all have more power than we realize. Division is the best tool against us.

\\\ I drafted this a long time ago. I don’t know why I never did post it. ///

Momma Bear Love

// I started this post in the beginning of December. //

When I took these, I was driving some compost our hens made, up to the Hugelkultur garden in the pasture. I noticed how beautiful the sun shining through the brown grasses by the fence was. My taking photos with of that grass turned into selfies. Fully raw. In that moment, I realized I was on a new timeline in life. It’s one we’ve discussed and one we’ve been working on, but I just realized, “we’re in it”. It feels like the beginning of a new life. It is.

While I’m in a place of this acceptance, I’m also in a place of some intense momma bear love. That is definitely the best way to describe it. Anger has been given a bad reputation, just like the ego. I spent some time trying to “love & light” it all out of me, but I’m now trying to find that balance where they coexist in a way that they can work together. For me, it’s more about intention & balance.

When you look in nature, animals don’t typically roll over for abuse (yes, some literally play dead), but we don’t feel the need to enlighten them about their egos. I’m not dissing those that discuss the toxicity of the ego. I agree about the majority of it, but I know God, divine source, Gaia, etc. made no mistakes. The ego included.

So balance…Balancing my love & my fierceness is part of my homework. That & the work on this new timeline.

Butterfly Effect

“One of the ways that your project, your personal healing, or your social invention can change the world is through story. But even if no one ever learns of it, even if it is invisible to every human on Earth, it will have no less of an effect.”Charles Eisenstein, The More Beautiful World Our Hearts Know Is Possible

It’s ok if you aren’t sharing your stories of virtue on social media. Your work and healing matters anyway. Keep going. Keep helping. Keep loving. And please keep tending to those wounds.

Slowly Gaining Momentum

We grabbed some cow panels this weekend to make a temporary greenhouse. We will use it until the last frost passes, then it’ll be used as a trellis for the things we grow in the straw bales. 🌿

Chicken manure & compost to warm it up.

That’s my “I can’t fake a smile cuz things have been weirdo, but I’m glad to finally get some things moving” face.

Power of Unity

If you alone found out what the lie was, then you’re probably right—it would make no great difference. But if you ALL found out what the lie was, it might conceivably make a very great difference indeed.” Daniel Quinn, Ishmael: An Adventure of the Mind and Spirit (Ishmael, #1)

My daughter took this bright ‘n early.